Being confined to a hospital bed can bring more discomfort than the malady that prompted the admission. Crowded rooms with other patients in various stages of illness, tasteless meals delivered with apathy, loud announcements for lost doctors, and a staff more concerned about planning their next day off than answering your call for another pain pill are common.

How does this sound? A facility that provides each patient with a private room outfitted with plasma televisions; plush visitor chairs; state-of-the-art adjustable beds; effective soundproofing that eliminates the constant cacophony from the loudspeakers; a detailed menu from which food can be ordered 24 hours a day; electronic medical records that obviate repetitive questions; a business center for visitors who may be on the premises for extended periods; and physicians, nurses, and support staff for whom providing patients with a pleasant experience is their most important function.

Being confined to a hospital bed can bring more discomfort than the malady that prompted the admission. Crowded rooms with other patients in various stages of illness, tasteless meals delivered with apathy, loud announcements for lost doctors, and a staff more concerned about planning their next day off than answering your call for another pain pill are common.

How does this sound? A facility that provides each patient with a private room outfitted with plasma televisions; plush visitor chairs; state-of-the-art adjustable beds; effective soundproofing that eliminates the constant cacophony from the loudspeakers; a detailed menu from which food can be ordered 24 hours a day; electronic medical records that obviate repetitive questions; a business center for visitors who may be on the premises for extended periods; and physicians, nurses, and support staff for whom providing patients with a pleasant experience is their most important function.

Just weeks after earning my industrial statistics degree, I hired on with a major aerospace company. My first “real” job entailed working with engineers and operators to deploy statistical process control (SPC) in a large machine shop. I quickly found out that the warm, coddling confines of a university classroom had done little to prepare me for the complexities of a short-run, aerospace SPC deployment. I found myself confronted with a bewildering array of different machines, jigs, tooling aids, part numbers, and union rules. As a newly hired statistician, I was stunned to find that the aerospace world lacked any similarity to what I had been reading in my statistical texts. Although 20 years have passed, I remember a great deal about my experience because that shop floor taught me a lot about the practical application of SPC.

How many times have you viewed a compelling story on TV, or read a newspaper or magazine account of an investigation of wrongdoing and then never discovered the outcome? Mass media tantalize us with sensational reports, and after the hoopla the stories just fade away.

As I lay here recently in my hammock, iced tea in hand and a summer breeze drifting over my receding hairline, it occurred to me that this might be a good time to revisit some of the articles I’ve written over the last two years and to determine their outcomes. In addition, some of the stories might just have morphed into something more interesting. In the opening words of The Lone Ranger radio program, “Return with me now to those thrilling days of yesteryear.”

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror,
I’m asking him to change his ways.”
by Michael Jackson

Question: What did the registrar auditor do after informing his client that he wasn’t allowed to give advice?

Answer: He gave them advice.

I like to listen to Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” Yeah, so what? I’m sure there are songs that you like to listen to but don’t want others to know about. The only difference is that you’re not dumb enough to inform 30,000 subscribers like I’m doing.

In my defense though, it is a really cool song, and it continually motivates me to improve who I am. What’s wrong with that? Jackson sings the song with such conviction that as I sing the song along with him I can feel myself gritting my teeth and getting pumped up with the same conviction, until someone notices, and then I pretend there’s food stuck in between my teeth, and I pick it out with a fingernail.

What’s great about the song are the words and the conviction. I try to block out who’s singing the song and what appears to be the hypocrisy between the words of the song and the singer himself. I love the lyric—

Whenever I enter a Ritz-Carlton hotel, I know “I’m not in Mediocreville anymore!”  Walking through those doors transports me to a world unparalleled in service, with guest amenities and services consistently beyond my expectations. Unlike the Wizard of Oz, the hotel is everything it purports to be.

I’m not a shill for Ritz-Carlton hotels, but, like other quality professionals, I’m a fan of extraordinary customer service and of organizations that exude professionalism and exceed customers’ expectations, and The Ritz-Carlton is one of those organizations. In the July issue of Consumer Reports , the magazine’s subscribers agree that, “The Ritz-Carlton earns top marks in value, service, upkeep, and making problems go away.”

I frequently hear discussions among engineers, managers, and higher-ups concerning process capability, an alphabet soup of indexes and three-letter designations. The indexes are bandied about as though a single number communicates knowledge, understanding, and certainty. My experience is that this is simply not the case, and I have come to the depressing conclusion that most people are confused as to how capability indexes should be used and what they truly mean.

“Say, what’s the capability of that part?” I cringe when I hear this question and its related variations. I shake my head and wonder about the future of our planet when I hear someone answer quickly with a single-number response.

Organizations that provide spectacular customer service always keep their line people informed of new developments or offers that will improve a process, and of glitches in the system that may have an adverse effect on customers. Similarly, great customer service means being flexible to the needs of customers and making sure that your internal information is accurate before issuing instructions or denials to customers.

Two recent incidents illustrated for me that line employees are the lifeblood of organizations, and when service representatives aren’t up to date on new policies and system problems, or when they act in a capricious manner, it affects the reputation of the organization.

At the outset, let me state unequivocally that as a Verizon cell phone customer for more than ten years, I’ve been very satisfied with customer service, phone upgrades every two years, and the availability of nationwide phone service when traveling. For convenience, my monthly Verizon bill is automatically charged to my checking account. Just like clockwork, on the 15th of each month I can expect a charge to hit my account.

Question:Why was the son of an accountant for a U.S. manufacturing company forbidden to name his dog Fifo?

Answer: His Dad told him that all four-letter words starting with F are bad.

Last Tuesday, I performed another long, exhausting, internal audit with a client near my hometown in Chicago suburbia. I had written 10 solid nonconformities and presented the findings to my client just weeks after the registrar auditor had given the same client a clean bill of health and no incentive to improve. I guess it was called an internal audit because we stayed inside all day.

By the time I got home, I was spent and the last thing I wanted to do was think. When I entered our home, my wife Donna, called up from the basement from where we share an office, “Hi Hon! I’m in the basement. How was your day?”

I responded creatively, “Good! How was yours?’”

Donna said, “Great, I got so much done today.”

Recently, the AAA organization named its annual list of Five Diamond restaurants. As experienced travelers and faux epicureans, as I consider myself, my wife and I have become accustomed to seeing quality proclamations and awards on a yearly basis, but I didn’t actually know what differentiates a Five Diamond establishment from a One Diamond establishment.  My curiosity got the better of me and thus I embarked on what I would characterize as a quality food journey.

As luck would have it, my travels took me no farther than Grand Rapids, Michigan, where we Michiganders are blessed with the only AAA Five Diamond Restaurant in the state. In fact, this is the fifth year in a row that The 1913 Room, located inside the Amway Grand Plaza Hotel, has been so recognized.

Please understand that I’m not a shill for The 1913 Room, nor is this article meant to be a restaurant review. Having no familiarity with the elements of the AAA Five Diamond Award, I found it fascinating and illuminating to explore the review process. I was pleased to discover that it mirrors many of the quality processes I’m familiar with, in particular the Baldrige Award, and here is a summary of my findings: