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Marci Crane


Why a Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Unstoppable With a QMS

Without organization, zombies simply aren’t impressing anyone

Published: Monday, October 31, 2016 - 12:04

Of the myriad ways in which the Earth’s inhabitants could potentially be destroyed, a zombie apocalypse is undoubtedly one of the least impressive. Though a zombie apocalypse is decidedly scary, unpleasant, and would “get the job done” as the unromantic expression goes, it tends to lack the qualities and traits that truly cataclysmic destruction requires. These traits include intelligence, charisma, and the ability to organize as a group.


It’s no secret that when a human turns zombie, it’s downhill from there. Sure, a zombie doesn’t have to worry about personal hygiene, working a 9 to 5 job, or paying annual income taxes, but zombies also don’t get to enjoy the benefit of brains... except when they’re eating them. With a bit more intelligence, zombies would realize that they have to organize themselves before they can manage a true takeover. Otherwise, zombies simply aren’t impressing anyone.


Let’s talk aplomb. “Aplomb” is one way to describe a certain level of charisma, and it’s definitely something zombies lack. Professional dancers often use the word to describe a dancer who has developed something beyond his technique. It’s that “certain something” that makes the audience watch one dancer over another when each dancer has the same level of technical skill. Obviously, creatures such as zombies that spend 90 percent of their time searching for brains and 10 percent of their time crunching on brains aren’t likely candidates for “aplomb.” If zombies took a bit more time to cleanse their palates between meals (perhaps with a light spritzer) and stop and “smell the roses,” they might have a chance at eating everyone’s brains before they tire and become easy to destroy themselves.


Then there’s the issue of organization. Zombies have none. They stumble around bumping into things and mumbling “nonsensicals.” They don’t have the sense to organize, prioritize, and attack. It’s no wonder that most humans consider a zombie apocalypse to be more of a mythical event than a realistic form of destruction (such as the atom bomb, for example). In fact, zombies are so unorganized that they are generally bested after they’ve enjoyed only a few dozen brains. If, however, the zombies managed to use an electronic quality management system (eQMS), a zombie apocalypse would certainly take its place among the most dramatic and fearful forms of destruction, which would certainly be a good thing, at least for the zombies.

So how could these unfortunate and only somewhat-deadly dolts improve their apocalypse capabilities? Here’s just a few ways that an eQMS would help zombies take their apocalypse to the next level:

Document management

By default, zombies don’t need to deal with a lot of paperwork, but by infiltrating the paperwork of millions of human homes and businesses, zombies could archive and quickly search for dinner in the following ways:
• Men by age group
• Women by age group
• Boys by age group
• Girls by age group

• Men by occupation (perhaps zombies have a certain taste for male accountants)
• Women by occupation (or female engineers)
• Boys by occupation (or fifth graders…)
• Girls by occupation (or third graders…)

Risk management

Risk management is a big gap area for zombies. They take no care to avoid their own possible destruction, which makes them err in a substantial way on the side of risking too much. Frankly, even lifeless zombies should care enough about existing to take the time to develop a risk management plan.

Integrating risk management within the context of a quality management system would allow zombies to predict possible risk scenarios and clearly identify the potential consequences and benefits of each scenario (e.g., eternal destruction vs. more brains) and make choices based on the highest levels of potential benefit. Essentially, with a risk management plan and an eQMS, a zombie apocalypse would be far more intimidating than it currently is today.

Training management

Characters as stupid and clumsy as zombies are bound to make mistakes. They’re certain to lose some of their own numbers to speedy humans with weapons, and they’re bound to lose ground, especially if they’re not using an eQMS.

If zombies are in need of anything, they are in need of training. Not only do they need basic training during their initial stages of being a zombie, but they also need ongoing training that they can practice and master from anywhere, and at any time, whether it be during the night, during the day or during a raid, when the zombie isn’t exactly sure where to strike next. With automated training, zombies can’t fail at defeating the human race, which would be really amazing... if you’re a zombie.

Document management

With automated document management, zombies could also create and electronically archive their own zombie operational procedures and train new zombies according to the highest standards of zombie efficiency and achievement.

Their possibilities for having an enjoyable and organized experience while destroying the human race are endless. It’s truly sad to see so many zombies missing out on fantastic, destructive opportunities that literally are right in front of their ugly faces.

A risk management plan would also allow zombies to quickly identify aggressive scenarios with humans (e.g., trying to eat humans’ brains) and the possible risks those scenarios might include. Once identified, this information and a related risk management process could be organized and automated within a quality management system.

CAPA management would allow zombies to quickly identify what went wrong on their rampage through that last town or city, and to note the preventive measures they could take to avoid those same mistakes at the next area of interest. A CAPA plan would allow zombies to continually improve their destructive power and brain-eating efficiency at every new city or town. A CAPA management plan could readily assist zombies in taking all of their zombie-mania and brain-eating behavior to new levels of excellence.

Change management

With an eQMS, zombies can also benefit from automated change management, supplier management, and overall project management.

Though it’s highly unlikely that zombies will ever be smart enough to use an eQMS, but if they were, they would seek a solution such as that provided by MasterControl. The company’s eQMS easily provides all the solutions necessary to automate and facilitate efficient practices, business processes, risk-management solutions, and general brain-eating processes. Quality consultations are also available, though generally not for the zombie populations.

Would zombies be more successful at world domination if they used an electronic quality management system?

First published Aug. 5, 2016, on MasterControl’s GxP Lifeline blog.


About The Author

Marci Crane’s picture

Marci Crane

Marci Crane works as a project manager and copywriter at MasterControl, developer and provider of industry-specific quality and compliance software solutions and services. As a lover of language and physical movement, Crane is also a self-employed freelance writer of creative and technical content, and a pilates instructor at Total Body Pilates.