A Very Difficult Person...
My boss is a very difficult person with whom to work. He is a wounded, angry,
distrustful person who, I have come to believe, is in the wrong line of
work. My associates and I bear many scars from years of trying to negotiate
a decent relationship with him.
We don't work together, we work around each other. Communication is clogged;
respect and trust are scarce. Sometimes it amazes me that anything ever
gets accomplished in the face of such broken relationships.
My colleagues and I have tried everything we know to do in hopes of improving
the situation. None of it has made a difference, except to turn up the heat
on an already adversarial relationship. All I do now is try to remember
to pray for his well-being and our reconciliation, and even that, I confess,
is difficult. My prayers seem to get stuck in my throat, caught between
my discouragement and my desire for vengeance.
This experience has prompted vocational questions. Why do I stay? Should
I relocate? I believe deeply in the mission and values of this company-it's
a place where I can truly live my faith at work-yet our concerns evaporate
without a trace, like raindrops on parched land. As if we are children battered
by prestigious and popular parents, those in a position to intervene do
not hear, do not believe. Is my company the moral institution I once believed
it to be? Would another place be any different? What is God calling me to?
Because difficult relationships are rarely the fault of one person, I have
had to come to terms with my contribution to the brokenness. I have spoken
when the wiser course would have been to keep silence, and I have remained
silent when I should have risked a word. My spirituality has been challenged
as I have encountered my capacity for anger and grudge-keeping, and I regret
the ways I have not been faithful to the God of justice and mercy. Many
days a deep sadness washes over me as hopes for reconciliation and mending
dim.
There have been times when I have yearned for God to dramatically intervene
and magically "fix it." But, as that has not happened, perhaps
the greatest challenge for me in all of this is a spiritual one: let it
go. Turn it over-trust God-and let it go. Then let it go again, and again.
I have days, even seasons, when this is possible. And on those days I experience,
mercifully, some measure of peace. The chaotic situation doesn't go away,
but somehow it's easier to walk through it.
And I have grown from all of it. I rely more on my own sense of self rather
than look for the approval of those in authority. I've grown in relationship
to my colleagues as we strive to work together with a spirit of community.
I've learned that the desert experiences of life call us into deeper intimacy
with God. And I think I've gained a special compassion for others caught
in an oppressive work situation.
My prayer these days is that even in the workplace God might make something
new, might make streams in the desert which will give life and renewal and
healing. May the parched land again bear fruit, and may we all find ways
to live our vocation with the gifts we have been given.
-Len Thaxton
Office Worker
Reprinted with permission from Alive Now, The Upper Room, P.O. Box 189,
Nashville, TN 37202-0189. © 1996 Alive Now. All rights reserved.
